Guard Your Heart - Part II

I hope you have been able to reflect on the four questions I asked you last time regarding boundaries. Were you able to determine whether or or not you are lacking healthy boundaries in your relationships?

I mentioned to you last time that although the lack of communication and broken trust are the most common predictors of a failing relationship or a marriage that is bound for divorce, the core issue is the lack of healthy boundaries. Just as countries have protective boundaries, you also need them in your relationships to guard your personal time, emotional energy, body and your physical strength. 

According to Dr. Henry Cloud, there are two kinds of boundary problems – the problems that arise  because you have difficulty setting boundaries, and also the problems that arise through not respecting others’ boundaries.

Cloud describes boundary issues using four descriptions:

Compliants – saying “yes” to the bad

If you’re in a compliant pattern, you will find it very difficult to say “no.” If as a child you were taught it wasn’t ok to say no, or learnt that it is bad or wrong to say no to things or to disappoint others through not doing what they want, it can create real problems later in life.

Avoidants: saying “no” to the good

If you’re in an avoidant pattern, you’ll find it hard to ask for help, to recognize your own needs, or to let others in. When you need help, you’re likely to withdraw. Your boundaries are like walls and don’t allow enough support or love to flow in. If you’re in an avoidant pattern you’re likely to feel pretty resentful and unsure of how to meet your own needs (or even know what they are).

Controllers: not respecting others boundaries

A controller can’t respect someone else’s limits. They resist taking control for their own lives, so they need to control others. A controller can’t hear no and tend to project responsibility for their lives onto others. To a controller, a “no” is simply a challenge to change the other person’s mind.

Nonresponsives: not hearing the needs of others

Someone who is in a nonresponsive pattern doesn’t really listen or respect the needs of others. They are either critical or judgemental of the fact that others have needs, or they are so absorbed in their own needs and desires that they completely ignore the needs of others (a form of narcissism). They don’t notice other people’s boundaries and might ignore boundaries that are set.

Brene Brown said "if we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable we will end up feeling used and mistreated".