The boy that saw a dead dog in the mirror - a series on self-worth

Let me ask you a question for you to reflect on… When you look at yourself in the mirror do you like what you see? On a scale of 1-10, how much do you love yourself?

Let me say this… The issues you are dealing with today in your relationships although you might blame everything on the other person, the truth of the matter is that the issue was deep rooted in you during your most formative years. Just watch your reaction when you are frustrated, upset, or sad. Your tendency is to react like that child you were at the time you were hurt the most. If you suffered some kind of abuse at age 9 well then now as an adult when you experience various negative emotions you have the tendency to act out like 9 year old. You might scream, throw tantrums, isolate yourself, stonewall, spew hateful words, or even become aggressive. Once again these are learned behaviors that you acquired growing up as a child.

Interesting enough, Solomon wrote “ train up a child in the way that he should go so that when he is older he wont depart from it (Prov 22:6). Notice he states train up a child and not an adolescent…a child. You see the mind of a child especially during the first 7 years of life is in its most receptive, pliable, and impressionable state.

Perhaps one of your parents was abusive toward you growing up and now you have engaged in a relationship someone who is equally abusive or even worse. 75% of all people have a tendency to end up in a relationship with someone that is like their worst parent. They seem to gravitate towards abusive people because it has become their normal.

Dr. Lisa Firestone a clinical psychologist once said that we all have a “critical inner voice,” which acts like a cruel coach inside our heads that tells us we are worthless or undeserving of happiness. This coach is shaped from painful childhood experiences and critical attitudes we were exposed to early in life as well as feelings our parents had about themselves. While these attitudes can be hurtful, over time, they have become engrained in us. As adults, we may fail to see them as an enemy, instead accepting their destructive point of view as our own.

Self-worth is believing that you’re fundamentally worthy which is different to self-esteem because self-esteem is feeling good, or confident, about yourself.

Without self-worth, self-esteem is shallow and unstable. 

Can you have self-esteem without self-worth? Yes. Just look at narcissists. They exude self-esteem (or self-confidence) so much so that it’s toxic to other people. But the issue here is that they don’t possess self-worth. Their narcissism is a mask or defense mechanism against the tremendous feelings of unworthiness that they carry inside. (In psychology, this is called reaction-formation.)

So, you see, self-worth is something we need to learn and strengthen, for without it, we become like doormats or narcissists.

So you might be asking yourself at this point if you have self-worth issues. Well see if any of the following descriptors sound like you:

1. You struggle to set strong personal boundaries
2. You suffer from constant self-doubt
3. You’re cynical about the value of what you do
4. You struggle to believe that anyone could really love you
5. You can’t accept compliments without feeling embarrassed/skeptical
6. You always put other’s needs above your own (i.e., you have a martyr complex)
7. You settle for less in relationships and jobs thinking it’s ‘the best you can do’
8. You value other people’s opinions above your own
9. You always feel a sense of anxiety and tension around others
10. You are scared of sharing your authentic self with the world
11. You let others walk over or mistreat you
12. Do you feel like a victim or behave like a beggar
13. You struggle to speak up and be assertive about your needs

We develop low self-worth for two reasons:

1. Due to our childhood traumas and core wounds
2. To protect ourselves against what we fear

In a nutshell, low self-worth is a product of fear and a fundamental misunderstanding about who we are.

The mindset that we have regarding our worth has been engrained in us through repetition. Just like my client whose father repeatedly told her she was a worthless. And therefore through repetition we must recreate who we truly are. As a believer I teach others to remind themselves consistently of who they are in the Lord. I have them make a list of those words that resonate with them.

I am a child of God, fearfully and wonderfully made, I am His righteousness, His masterpiece. I am an heir and joint heir with Christ. He knows the plans that He has for me, they’re for good and not for evil, they’re to give me a hope and a future. He will never leave me nor forsake for He loves me with an everlasting love. I am His and He is mine.

Such heart felt affirmations have the power to bring forth true transformation.

The first step to breaking free from low self-worth is being able to identify whether or not this is your struggle. Go to the show notes and review the low self-worth descriptors and evaluate yourself. Be honest. Keep in mind that you can only work with a truth and not with a lie.