EVOLVE with Dr. Milton

The boy that saw a dead dog in the mirror Part II - a series on self-worth

I hope you were able to go to the show notes for Part I and ask yourself  if any of the low self-worth descriptors applied to your life. Every once, and a while I will provide you with specific questions to help you reflect on where you stand and to challenge to create a better version of yourself. Listen, you can’t defeat what you can’t define. You can’t change what you are unwilling to confront.
Self-awareness is key. Self-awareness is the conscious knowledge of one's own character, feelings, motives, and desires. Self-awareness requires three questions: what am I doing?, what am I feeling?, and what are my blindspots? As a master life coach I have clients fill out a personal SWOT analysis in order to help them become more self-aware. The personal SWOT analysis is somewhat like x-ray or MRI that helps individuals gain a better understanding of where they stand. It asks four important discovery questions: what are my strengths, what are my weaknesses, what are my opportunities, and what are my threats?
Becoming self-aware takes your life off of auto-pilot and the cyclical monotony that takes you to the same dead end street every time. Self-awareness allows you to shift, adjust, and pivot your life in order to produce a different outcome.
Einstein once said "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results.”
People that repeatedly experience significant rejection by others end up believing that deserve to be rejected. They internalize the message and then reject themselves. This is especially true when the rejection is coming from those who are in authority and that the child depends on.
Such children grow up replying in their minds the recorded messages, the rejections they received until that voice becomes their own internal voice. It is virtually impossible for children to replace the big booming voices of their parents with their own small inner voices.
The words spoken over us by our parents and people in authority in our lives 90% of time become prophetic words that materialize in adulthood unless we are able to override such thoughts with the extreme polar opposite. Otherwise you end up developing self-limiting beliefs. In a nutshell limiting beliefs are those ideas that we have believed about ourselves and that keep us from moving forward.
Henry Ford said “whether you think you can or you think you can’t you are absolutely right” In other words whatever you think about self becomes your reality.
Self-limiting beliefs sound like this:
I can’t
I don’t
I won’t ever
I’m too old
I’m too young
I’m too poor
I’m too fat or too skinny
I am not smart enough
I am a mess, I am hopeless
I don’t have enough time
Money is the root of all evil
One day I will change
I will start tomorrow
I will never be happy
I don’t deserve nice things
I have such bad luck
I can’t change
Why even try, I always fail
3 Steps to change your life:
1) Change your belief system (about yourself)
2) Once your belief system has changed it will consequently produce different behavior
3) Different behavior will produce a different outcome 

The boy that saw a dead dog in the mirror - a series on self-worth

Let me ask you a question for you to reflect on… When you look at yourself in the mirror do you like what you see? On a scale of 1-10, how much do you love yourself?
Let me say this… The issues you are dealing with today in your relationships although you might blame everything on the other person, the truth of the matter is that the issue was deep rooted in you during your most formative years. Just watch your reaction when you are frustrated, upset, or sad. Your tendency is to react like that child you were at the time you were hurt the most. If you suffered some kind of abuse at age 9 well then now as an adult when you experience various negative emotions you have the tendency to act out like 9 year old. You might scream, throw tantrums, isolate yourself, stonewall, spew hateful words, or even become aggressive. Once again these are learned behaviors that you acquired growing up as a child.
Interesting enough, Solomon wrote “ train up a child in the way that he should go so that when he is older he wont depart from it (Prov 22:6). Notice he states train up a child and not an adolescent…a child. You see the mind of a child especially during the first 7 years of life is in its most receptive, pliable, and impressionable state.
Perhaps one of your parents was abusive toward you growing up and now you have engaged in a relationship someone who is equally abusive or even worse. 75% of all people have a tendency to end up in a relationship with someone that is like their worst parent. They seem to gravitate towards abusive people because it has become their normal.
Dr. Lisa Firestone a clinical psychologist once said that we all have a “critical inner voice,” which acts like a cruel coach inside our heads that tells us we are worthless or undeserving of happiness. This coach is shaped from painful childhood experiences and critical attitudes we were exposed to early in life as well as feelings our parents had about themselves. While these attitudes can be hurtful, over time, they have become engrained in us. As adults, we may fail to see them as an enemy, instead accepting their destructive point of view as our own.
Self-worth is believing that you’re fundamentally worthy which is different to self-esteem because self-esteem is feeling good, or confident, about yourself.
Without self-worth, self-esteem is shallow and unstable. 
Can you have self-esteem without self-worth? Yes. Just look at narcissists. They exude self-esteem (or self-confidence) so much so that it’s toxic to other people. But the issue here is that they don’t possess self-worth. Their narcissism is a mask or defense mechanism against the tremendous feelings of unworthiness that they carry inside. (In psychology, this is called reaction-formation.)
So, you see, self-worth is something we need to learn and strengthen, for without it, we become like doormats or narcissists.
So you might be asking yourself at this point if you have self-worth issues. Well see if any of the following descriptors sound like you:
You struggle to set strong personal boundaries
You suffer from constant self-doubt
You’re cynical about the value of what you do
You struggle to believe that anyone could really love you
You can’t accept compliments without feeling embarrassed/skeptical
You always put other’s needs above your own (i.e., you have a martyr complex)
You settle for less in relationships and jobs thinking it’s ‘the best you can do’
You value other people’s opinions above your own
You always feel a sense of anxiety and tension around others
You are scared of sharing your authentic self with the world
You let others walk over or mistreat you
Do you feel like a victim or behave like a beggar
You struggle to speak up and be assertive about your needs
We develop low self-worth for two reasons:
Due to our childhood traumas and core wounds
To protect ourselves against what we fear
In a nutshell, low self-worth is a product of fear and a fundamental misunderstanding about who we are.
The mindset that we have regarding our worth has been engrained in us through repetition. Just like my client whose father repeatedly told her she was a worthless. And therefore through repetition we must recreate who we truly are. As a believer I teach others to remind themselves consistently of who they are in the Lord. I have them make a list of those words that resonate with them.
I am a child of God, fearfully and wonderfully made, I am His righteousness, His masterpiece. I am an heir and joint heir with Christ. He knows the plans that He has for me, they’re for good and not for evil, they’re to give me a hope and a future. He will never leave me nor forsake for He loves me with an everlasting love. I am His and He is mine.
Such heart felt affirmations have the power to bring forth true transformation.
The first step to breaking free from low self-worth is being able to identify whether or not this is your struggle. Go to the show notes and review the low self-worth descriptors and evaluate yourself. Be honest. Keep in mind that you can only work with a truth and not with a lie.

Guard Your Heart - Part III

If you have listened to part I and II you should have a pretty clear understanding of what boundaries look like and why they are important to have in your life. Boundaries will, in essence,  help you gain control. Steven Covey, the author of the 7 habits of highly effective people, once said that we must always start with the end in mind and so if the end goal is to gain control of your life then it's crucial you start by setting boundaries.
Now let me be clear, you are not trying to gain control of other people, your circumstance, or even your outcomes. Those things will fall into their proper place as long as you are willing to gain control over yourself. See the issue is that most people get caught up in trying to gain control over the things that they can’t control and in doing so end up losing control over themselves. Now here is the true paradox: it’s only when you take control of yourself that you will begin to have significant influence on the other things meaning people, circumstances, and outcomes.
People with effective boundaries have ownership of their feelings, thoughts, choices, desires, opinions, behaviors - in a nutshell they have ownership over their hearts, minds and souls.They don’t give that right away to anyone because they understand how detrimental it can become for them morally, spiritually, physically, mentally, and even sexually. No one can snatch that ownership away from you unless you position yourself to give it away.
This is what healthy boundaries sound like:
“I am not okay with you yelling at me. I will discuss this when we can speak to one another calmly and respectfully.”
“I can’t work overtime this weekend. Since I wasn’t on the schedule, I already made plans.”
“I can give you a ride home, but I absolutely need to leave by seven. If you’re any later than that I’m going to have to leave without you.” “Your friend has a drug problem, and I’m not comfortable being around him. Please don’t invite him over to our house again.”
“I’ve been doing much more than my fair share of the chores. From now on, I’m only washing my own dishes. I’ll expect you to wash your own.”
Your boundaries are defined by your vision and your values. Your vision is your direction. Your end goal. The destination you want to arrive at. Solomon penned “people without a vision, perish” In other words if you have no definite destination in your life you will end up like the Israelites, walking around the desert in circles while perishing in the process. Ultimately boundaries express how much you value you, how much you care for you, and how much you love you. In other words the lack of boundaries is a true sign of a lack of self-esteem.
The holes in your fence could be due to:
The need for security
The need for approval
The need to be perfect
The need to rescue
The fear of being alone or isolated
The fear of conflict
The fear of disagreement
The fear of anger
The fear of feeling inferior
The inability to say no
The inability to hear no
The lack of structure
Boundary Blueprint - 
Know your most important values - Knowing your values is the first step for setting boundaries because they help determine what you are not willing to compromise on. When you have people in your space that don’t align with or respect what you value, you can get caught up in managing that drama instead of on what’s best for you.
Use your values to determine your boundaries - ask yourself what you will and won’t allow. Whatever your values are, converting them into boundaries gives you a basis for setting boundaries in relationships, setting boundaries at work, or anywhere else.
Self-awareness - find time to reflect and ask yourself in which areas of your life you are feeling the most threatened, exhausted, abused, taken advantage of, and ultimately hurt
Set your boundaries - communicate them assertively, be clear, keep it simple don’t feel the need to justify them 
Keep your boundaries - have someone hold you accountable, keep a clear list of your boundaries in other words write them down so that you can revisit, re-evaluate, and ultimately continue rehearsing them otherwise they may be easily forgotten.
Figure out where you will compromise and where you won’t - flexibility is the key to excellence and you will find times to major on the majors and not on the minors. Adjust your expectation as long as it doesn’t create an opportunity for you to be hurt.
 
 

Guard Your Heart - Part II

I hope you have been able to reflect on the four questions I asked you last time regarding boundaries. Were you able to determine whether or or not you are lacking healthy boundaries in your relationships?
I mentioned to you last time that although the lack of communication and broken trust are the most common predictors of a failing relationship or a marriage that is bound for divorce, the core issue is the lack of healthy boundaries. Just as countries have protective boundaries, you also need them in your relationships to guard your personal time, emotional energy, body and your physical strength. 
According to Dr. Henry Cloud, there are two kinds of boundary problems – the problems that arise  because you have difficulty setting boundaries, and also the problems that arise through not respecting others’ boundaries.
Cloud describes boundary issues using four descriptions:
Compliants – saying “yes” to the bad
If you’re in a compliant pattern, you will find it very difficult to say “no.” If as a child you were taught it wasn’t ok to say no, or learnt that it is bad or wrong to say no to things or to disappoint others through not doing what they want, it can create real problems later in life.
Avoidants: saying “no” to the good
If you’re in an avoidant pattern, you’ll find it hard to ask for help, to recognize your own needs, or to let others in. When you need help, you’re likely to withdraw. Your boundaries are like walls and don’t allow enough support or love to flow in. If you’re in an avoidant pattern you’re likely to feel pretty resentful and unsure of how to meet your own needs (or even know what they are).
Controllers: not respecting others boundaries
A controller can’t respect someone else’s limits. They resist taking control for their own lives, so they need to control others. A controller can’t hear no and tend to project responsibility for their lives onto others. To a controller, a “no” is simply a challenge to change the other person’s mind.
Nonresponsives: not hearing the needs of others
Someone who is in a nonresponsive pattern doesn’t really listen or respect the needs of others. They are either critical or judgemental of the fact that others have needs, or they are so absorbed in their own needs and desires that they completely ignore the needs of others (a form of narcissism). They don’t notice other people’s boundaries and might ignore boundaries that are set.
Brene Brown said "if we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable we will end up feeling used and mistreated".

Guard Your Heart - Part I

Ask yourself the following questions:
Do I find myself always trying to please others not wanting to let them down. Have I become a people pleaser?
Do you struggle with simply saying No, or do I feel like I need to justify my "no"?
Are my relationships difficult, dramatic, and toxic?
Do I feel exhausted and lacking motivation most of the time?
~If you answered YES to these four questions you need BOUNDARIES in your life~
Not having boundaries is like building a beautiful home and forgetting to enclose it with a fence. Every week you have stray dogs that walk all over your precious lawn, people trampling over your flower beds and to make matters worse you experience consistent burglaries and you don’t understand why…
Well, had you put up a fence or physical boundary you would have eliminated over 90% of the issues causing most of your grief. 
Boundaries are the physical, emotional and mental limits we establish to protect ourselves from being manipulated, used, or violated by others. They allow us to separate who we are, and what we think and feel, from the thoughts and feelings of others. Proverbs 4:23 says “above all else guard your heart for it  is the wellspring of life” Listen, your heart is valuable, it is the source of everything you do, and it determines the course of your life”. Guard it! Protect it! Set boundaries.
Setting boundaries takes practice and determination. Don’t let anxiety, fear or guilt prevent you from taking care of yourself. When you feel anger or resentment or find yourself whining or complaining, you probably need to set a boundary.
Listen to yourself, determine what you need to do or say, then communicate assertively. Learning to set healthy boundaries takes time. It is a process. Set them in your own time frame, not when someone else tells you. Develop a support system of people who respect your right to set boundaries. Eliminate toxic persons from your life.
Elevate your self-worth. The value you place on yourself will be the value others will place on you and keep in mind that in life you get what you tolerate. I once heard someone say that you teach people how to treat you by what you allow, what you stop, and what you reinforce. So ask yourself today “what am I allowing, what am I stopping, and what am I reinforcing in my relationships” If you are unwilling to set boundaries well then prepare for everyone including your neighbor’s dog to walk all over you. Keep in mind you get in life whatever you are willing to tolerate.