EVOLVE with Dr. Milton

Waffles and Spaghetti - UNDERSTANDING HIS AND HER NEEDS

At the very beginning of history God said, ” ‘Let us make man in our image, after our likeness.’ … So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them” (Genesis 1:26-27).
It was in God’s plan to make men and women different from each other from the moment He imagined us. The original plan was to use these differences as a starting point for building intimate, fulfilling relationships. But in our sin-filled world, what started out as an advantage has become a frequent source of frustration.
Despite the frustration, the vast majority of us have an undeniable desire to have great relationships with the opposite sex. We want both male and female friends, we want successful business relationships with both men and women, and we want marriages that are happy and harmonious. That is why so many of our decisions are affected by how the opposite sex will respond.
It is possible to make too much out of the differences between men and women, but it is also possible to make the opposite mistake. If you want to have relationships that add to your life rather than make you exhausted, it seems to us that the place to start is with an understanding of the uniqueness each gender brings to the relationship.
And so men are like WAFFLES and women are like SPAGHETTI!
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Will you be my Valentine??? PART 2 - HOW TO BULLETPROOF YOUR RELATIONSHIP

Relational conflict is inevitable and only those who know how to effectively resolve it are the ones whose relationships and marriages endure. 
The Antidote to Criticism: Gentle Start-Up
A complaint focuses on a specific behavior, but criticism attacks a person’s very character. The antidote for criticism is to complain without blame by using a soft or gentle start-up. Avoid saying “you,” which can indicate blame, and instead talk about your feelings using “I” statements and express what you need in a positive way.
To put it simply, think of these two things to formulate your soft start-up: What do I feel? What do I need?
The Antidote to Contempt: Build a Culture of Appreciation and Respect
Contempt shows up in statements that come from a position of moral superiority. Some examples of contempt include sarcasm, cynicism, name-calling, eye-rolling, sneering, mockery, and hostile humor. Contempt is destructive and defeating. It is the greatest predictor of divorce, and it must be avoided at all costs.
The antidote to contempt is to build a culture of appreciation and respect in your relationship, and there are a few ways to do that. One of our mottos is Small Things Often: if you regularly express appreciation, gratitude, affection, and respect for your partner, you’ll create a positive perspective in your relationship that acts as a buffer for negative feelings. The more positive you feel, the less likely that you’ll feel or express contempt!
The Antidote to Defensiveness: Take Responsibility
Defensiveness is defined as self-protection in the form of righteous indignation or innocent victimhood in attempt to ward off a perceived attack. Many people become defensive when they are being criticized, but the problem is that being defensive never helps to solve the problem at hand.
Defensiveness is really a way of blaming your partner. You’re saying that the problem isn’t me, it’s you. As a result, the problem is not resolved and the conflict escalates further. The antidote is to accept responsibility, even if only for part of the conflict.
The Antidote to Stonewalling: Physiological Self-Soothing
Stonewalling is when someone completely withdraws from a conflict discussion and no longer responds to their partner. It usually happens when you’re feeling flooded or emotionally overwhelmed, so your reaction is to shut down, stop talking, and disengage. And when couples stonewall, they’re under a lot of emotional pressure, which increases heart rates, releases stress hormones into the bloodstream, and can even trigger a fight-or-flight response.
source: https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/
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Will you be my Valentine??? - HOW TO BULLETPROOF YOUR RELATIONSHIP

Dr. Gottman calls the four indicators of a failing relationship "the four horsemen of the Apocalypse" and they are:
1. Criticism
The first horseman is criticism. Criticizing your partner is different than offering a critique or voicing a complaint. The latter two are about specific issues, whereas the former is an ad hominem attack. It is an attack on your partner at the core of their character. In effect, you are dismantling their whole being when you criticize.
The important thing is to learn the difference between expressing a complaint and criticizing:
Complaint: “I was scared when you were running late and didn’t call me. I thought we had agreed that we would do that for each other.”
Criticism: “You never think about how your behavior is affecting other people. I don’t believe you are that forgetful, you’re just selfish. You never think of others! You never think of me!”
If you find that you and your partner are critical of each other, don’t assume your relationship is doomed to fail. The problem with criticism is that, when it becomes pervasive, it paves the way for the other, far deadlier horsemen to follow. It makes the victim feel assaulted, rejected, and hurt, and often causes the perpetrator and victim to fall into an escalating pattern where the first horseman reappears with greater and greater frequency and intensity, which eventually leads to contempt.
2. Contempt
The second horseman is contempt. When we communicate in this state, we are truly mean—we treat others with disrespect, mock them with sarcasm, ridicule, call them names, and mimic or use body language such as eye-rolling or scoffing. The target of contempt is made to feel despised and worthless.
Contempt goes far beyond criticism. While criticism attacks your partner’s character, contempt assumes a position of moral superiority over them.
Research even shows that couples that are contemptuous of each other are more likely to suffer from infectious illness (colds, the flu, etc.) than others due to weakened immune systems! Contempt is fueled by long-simmering negative thoughts about the partner—which come to a head when the perpetrator attacks the accused from a position of relative superiority.
Most importantly, contempt is the single greatest predictor of divorce. It must be eliminated.
3. Defensiveness
The third horseman is defensiveness, and it is typically a response to criticism. We’ve all been defensive, and this horseman is nearly omnipresent when relationships are on the rocks. When we feel unjustly accused, we fish for excuses and play the innocent victim so that our partner will back off.
Unfortunately, this strategy is almost never successful. Our excuses just tell our partner that we don’t take their concerns seriously and that we won’t take responsibility for our mistakes:
Question: “Did you call Betty and Ralph to let them know that we’re not coming tonight as you promised this morning?”
Defensive response: “I was just too darn busy today. As a matter of fact, you know just how busy my schedule was. Why didn’t you just do it?”
This partner not only responds defensively, but they reverse blame in an attempt to make it the other partner’s fault. Instead, a non-defensive response can express acceptance of responsibility, admission of fault, and understanding of your partner’s perspective.
Although it is perfectly understandable to defend yourself if you’re stressed out and feeling attacked, this approach will not have the desired effect. Defensiveness will only escalate the conflict if the critical spouse does not back down or apologize. This is because defensiveness is really a way of blaming your partner, and it won’t allow for healthy conflict management.
4. Stonewalling
The fourth horseman is stonewalling, which is usually a response to contempt. Stonewalling occurs when the listener withdraws from the interaction, shuts down, and simply stops responding to their partner. Rather than confronting the issues with their partner, people who stonewall can make evasive maneuvers such as tuning out, turning away, acting busy, or engaging in obsessive or distracting behaviors.
It takes time for the negativity created by the first three horsemen to become overwhelming enough that stonewalling becomes an understandable “out,” but when it does, it frequently becomes a bad habit. And unfortunately, stonewalling isn’t easy to stop. It is a result of feeling physiologically flooded, and when we stonewall, we may not even be in a physiological state where we can discuss things rationally.
source: https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/
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RESOLVE TO BE RESILIENT - creating new pathways leading to better outcomes

What does resilience mean?
It's the capability of a strained body to recover its size and shape after deformation caused especially by compressive stress and the ability to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change. 
 
Seven Skills of Resilience
Principle 1: Cultivate a Belief in Your Ability to Cope.
Principle 2: Stay Connected With Sources of Support.
Principle 3: Talk About What You're Going Through.
Principle 4: Be Helpful to Others.
Principle 5: Activate Positive Emotion.
Principle 6: Cultivate an Attitude of Survivorship.
Principle 7: Seek Meaning.
A growth mindset, proposed by Stanford professor Carol Dweck in her book Mindset, describes people who believe that their success depends on time and effort. People with a growth mindset feel their skills and intelligence can be improved with effort and persistence. They embrace challenges, persist through obstacles, learn from criticism and seek out inspiration in others’ success.
Neuroplasticity: The brain's ability to reorganize itself by forming new neural connections throughout life. Neuroplasticity allows the neurons (nerve cells) in the brain to compensate for injury and disease and to adjust their activities in response to new situations or to changes in their environment.
Special thanks to our guest speaker Maria Bridwell M.Ed, Ed.D (C) for sharing her time and wisdom.
I encourage you to give her a follow @marianbridwell (IG)
Follow me @miltonlouisgonzalez (IG)
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PORCUPINE PERSONALITIES - breaking from from the critical spirit

Do you criticize and pass judgment on others? Do you find yourself with a negative disposition, always finding fault with something or someone? Is it difficult for you to see the positive in a person or a situation because the negative is so glaring in your eye? Are you compelled to give your critical point of view for the good of all mankind?
If you answered yes to one of these questions, then you have a critical spirit and you are in danger. Not getting hit-by-a-truck-kind-of-danger, but an even more serious kind—and that is spiritual danger. A critical spirit is from the dark side. It is meant to hurt and destroy its object.
A critical spirit is a negative attitude of the heart that seeks to condemn, tear down, and destroy with words. In contrast, constructive criticism involves opinions that are meant to build up. A critical spirit creates blind spots in a person’s heart and mind causing them to believe they are being constructive. In reality, it is characterized as the ungodly.
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DON'T LOOK BACK ~letting go of your history to pursue God's destiny for your life

Nobody drives a car while looking through the rearview mirror unless of course they are going in reverse. As you press on into the new year "2021" make sure to look ahead, stay focused on the prize, and DON'T LOOK BACK!
 
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LIFE HACK SERIES - Part II

Over the past few years the concept of "Mindset" or the "Mindset Factor" has been over-glamorized. We have been taught that mindset is everything and that it determines the course of our life. There is a lot of truth to this, however there are three more important components (factors) to consider; "heartset", "soulset", and "healthset".
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LIFE HACK SERIES - Part I

Setting your life's priorities in the proper order is key to living a life of significance, and purpose. If you are feeling burnt out, out of breath, and you find yourself having a hard time saying no to other people's request well then you have a priority issue. If other individual's urgencies all of a sudden become your priorities I can guarantee that you feel unaccomplished and dead. The Life Hack Series is a series of short episodes that will make YOU the main focus. The Life Hack Series' goal is to help you get from point A to point B in your life.
Subscribe to my YouTube channel for more short transformational videos.
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ONE DECISION - you are either one decision away from stupid or one decision away from succeeding

Life is all about the decisions and choices we make. One simple decision can catapult you into a completely different destination. A simple change in your decision making process can create a different outcome. It's easiest to blame the world for our greatest demise however at the end of the day we can only blame ourselves. You need to get to a point in your life in which you stop blaming your biology and genealogy for the crap in your life and start accepting that it's your psychology that needs to be renewed. 

YOUR BRAIN ON PORN - the power of porn to rewire your brain

Believe it or not, studies show that those who consume pornography more frequently have brains that are less connected, less active, and even smaller in some areas. 
To be fair, the studies only show that there’s a correlation between porn consumption and smaller, less active brains, but they raise the question: Can porn literally change your brain?
Scientists used to believe that once you finished childhood, your brain lost the ability to grow. They thought that nothing except illness or injury could physically alter an adult brain. Now we know that the brain goes on changing throughout life, constantly rewiring itself and laying down new nerve connections, and that this is particularly true in our youth.
See, the brain is made up of about 100 billion special nerves called neurons, that carry electrical signals back and forth between parts of the brain and out to the rest of the body. Imagine you’re learning to play an E chord on the guitar: your brain sends a signal to your hand telling it what to do. As that signal zips along from neuron to neuron, those activated nerve cells start to form connections because “neurons that fire together, wire together.” Those newly-connected neurons form what’s called a “neuronal pathway.”
Think of a neuronal pathway like a trail in the woods. Every time someone uses the trail, it gets a little wider and more permanent. Similarly, every time a message travels down a neuronal pathway, the pathway gets stronger. With enough repetitions, your neuronal pathway will get so strong you’ll be strumming that E chord without even thinking about it. That process of building better, faster neuronal pathways is how we learn any new skill, whether it’s memorizing math formulas or driving a car. Practice makes perfect.
 
How Porn Changes The Brain
Covenant Eyes APP
What does the Bible say about pornography?
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