Recalibrate with Milton

MENTAL TATTOOS: The Power of a Changed Mind

You can control your feelings if you control your thoughts and if you control your thoughts you can also control your final outcome in life!
We have been taught that we are what we eat and although there is some truth to that I am here to tell you that you are what you THINK!
*There are two solid differences between successful and unsuccessful people... they think differently and they have a different kind of attitude.
Some of my favorite quotes on thinking
“Whether you think you can, or you think you can't--you're right.” - Henry Ford
“whatever things are true, noble, just, pure, lovely and of good report, if there is any virtue and if there’s anything praiseworthy; think of these things” - Paul the Apostle (you have the ability to choose your thoughts)
A man is but the product of his thoughts. What he thinks, he becomes.- Mohandas K. Gandhi
Ralph Waldo Emerson “Life consists of what a man thinks all day” – Everything begins with a thought
20 positives are destroyed by one negative
Our words and thoughts are directly connected in our frontal lobe.This brain area controls the higher functions of the human mind, such as memory, mood, general thinking, language production, personality, and consciousness.
What you believe about yourself today will truly influence your life and give it direction.Many have been pre-programmed with lies regarding their past regarding: poverty, disease, divorce, death, beliefs, culture.
a) Our thoughts determine our destiny. Our destiny determines our legacy. – James Allen (you are today what you thought yesterday and you will be tomorrow what you thought today.) 
b) People who go to the top think differently than others. – William Arthur Ward (nothing limits achievement like small thinking; nothing expands possibilities like unleashed thinking) 
Change is a choice and its within you
1. Evaluate your present attitudes
2. Ask yourself “is my faith stronger than my fears”?
3. Find your purpose in life and write it down.
4. Determine if you have the desire to change.
5. Live one day at a time.
6. Change you thought patterns. 7. Develop good habits.
 
 
 
 

Mental Detox: Rebooting the Mind and Creating a New Normal

Taking old habits into a new chapter will only produce the same results - Changed beliefs will produce a different outcome.
*If you always do what you have always done, and you always think what you have always thought you always get what you have always gotten…
Deut 30:19 This day I call the heavens and the earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live.
Strongholds DEFINED - A stronghold is a faulty thinking pattern based on lies and deception. Deception is one of the primary weapons of the devil, because it is the building blocks for a stronghold. What strongholds can do is cause us to think in ways which block us from God's best.
HOW IT STARTS - It often starts with a wound we experience, a hurt or disappointment that makes our heart fertile ground for seeds of lies to be planted. On this foundation, the enemy then begins to build brick by brick, a wall of lies, inaccurate ideas about the person of God, wrongful interpretations of Scripture, prideful thoughts, and distorted perceptions of how God sees us and feels about us when we sin.
His 3 greatest weapons against us:
1. deception
2. temptation
3. accusations
Stronghold is a - Thought process, way of thinking, patterns, paradigm, mental construct, and visualizations that have formed over time and slowly induce us to believe something that is no whether it be about us, others or God. - invisible yet powerful - they’re located in the mind - we see people’s attitudes and those are just an outward expression of their inward state of mind.
Breaking Strongholds (4 R’S)
1. Reveal
2. Repent
3. Renew 
4. Resist 
Now when you say one thing and do another repeatedly over time research (through the use of functional MRIs) has proven that this faulty thinking referred to a “Cognitive Dissonance” creates toxicity in the brain developing into what we know as brain fog at times increasing stress levels and creating inflammation. When we suppress (lie to ourselves) in order to avoid confronting an issue it damages our whole being.
REMEMBER: your default mode is POWER, LOVE and a SOUND MIND…not fear, stress, and reckless behavior.
You have the capacity through the connectedness with the HS to produce LOVE, JOY, PEACE, PATIENCE, KINDNESS, GOODNESS, GENTLENESS , FAITHFULNESS and SELF-CONTROL • change your belief • a changed belief produces a different behavior • different behavior will produce a different outcome
TAKE AWAY: You have to get to a point in your life in which you start to understand that you are not a victim of your biology, you are not captive to your genealogy, you are only a result of your psychology. In other words you cannot control circumstances or life events however you can control your reaction to such circumstances and events and that will determine the course of your life; for good or for evil.
NEURO-PLASTICITY - the brains capacity to become malleable and adaptable, changing moment by moment every day. Science has now concluded that the brain is not a hard wired machine unable to adapt. After years of research they have concluded that the brain has the capacity to renew itself. 
Romans 12:2 (NLT) Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect. (TRANSFORMED BY THE RENEWING OF YOUR MIND) The SPIRIT is REGENERATED in CHRIST The MIND needs to RENEWED by our choice and decision.
Steps for Detoxing the Mind
1) Identify (bring thoughts into consciousness / awareness) - Psalm 139 (NLV) 23 Look through me, O God, and know my heart. Try me and know my thoughts. 24 See if there is any sinful way in me and lead me in the way that lasts forever.
2) Focus (deep thought, visualizations, reflection produces physical changes in the brain / neuro-plasticity) Phil 4:8 (NLT) 8 And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. 
3) Write (this action will consolidate the new thoughts connecting both hemispheres of the brain and activating the basal ganglia, cerebellum and motor cortex / writing it will bring more clarity and will allow for the thought to go from short term to long term)
Habakkuk 2:2 The LORD gave me this answer: "Write down clearly on tablets what I reveal to you, so that it can be read at a glance.
4) Rehearse/Revisit (good intentions aren’t enough / intentions coupled with discipline and consistency are key) James 1: 22-24 (The Message) Don’t fool yourself into thinking that you are a listener when you are anything but, letting the Word go in one ear and out the other. Act on what you hear! Those who hear and don’t act are like those who glance in the mirror, walk away, and two minutes later have no idea who they are, what they look like.
 
 

Faith that sees the inconceivable and receives the impossible: THE POWER OF VISION

Vision is a powerful thing!
Thats why the enemy of our souls works diligently to abort you from having a visualization of seeing yourself any better off than you are. he does not want you to see yourself
Progressing
moving forward
Overcoming
walking in victory,
being consecrated
living holy
walking in deliverance
•he would rather give you visions of
you falling
Falling
getting sick
going down
Aging
being poor
getting depressed
If you constantly envision yourself failing you will never succeed, envision yourself sick and I assure you that you won’t walk in complete healing. •You are fueling your own defeat by what you fantasize.
The reason some of us are faltering and failing right now is that we have a visualization of ourselves that does not coincide with the Word of God.And what you visualize in your spirit will happen in your life.
Satan is a liar, he is the father of all lies, he is an imitator, he’s a counterfeit he’s out to steal, kill and destroy. He’s out to get you. He’s a mind control freak. You open your mind to him and he will surely take over.
Some people are naturally strong and tenacious, they have a relentless spirit that makes them see the materialization, the realization of a dream. They fight their way through until they see things materialize in their lives.
I’m fascinated at how Elijah has this ability to see the future and to envision something that isn’t there and to be so sure of it. It’s one thing to think it but its another thing to say it.
“Go tell Ahab to eat and drink and get ready for there is going to be a huge rain, there’s going to be a great abundance of rain.
He’s not saying it might drizzle a bit… Here is Elisha in the middle of nothing, extreme drought and he says “there’s going to be an abundance of rain”!!!
Not everybody has the kind of vision that thinks of abundance in the middle of a drought. Very few people will speak abundance in a drought. Some people won’t speak abundance in abundance.
In fact you have to be
a radical kind of person,
a little bit demented,
a little bit crazy, a bit weird,
a bit strange to “call things that are not as though they were Rom 4:17”  “to speak as though it was even when it is not”  
That’s what faith is...I call it the way I see it. I’m not talking about seeing with the natural eyes, I’m talking about the spirit man, the eyes of faith!
I can’t see it, I can’t hear it, can’t sense it at all BUT I know it is there.
I may be sick but I know that my healing is there,
my son or daughter may have run away BUT I know he is coming back,
I see people gettin laid off BUT I know that my God shall supply for my needs!!!
 
Do you want to know what a person is seeing? listen to what they are saying, because you’re gonna say what you see. If your mouth is talking down here, your life is gonna go where your mouth is.
“Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaketh (Matt 12:34)” Your mouth is a reflection of where your heart has been living…
That’s why you can’t have a conversation with everybody because they are speaking doubt and your speaking faith; you are in two different dimensions.
Some of you haven’t realized that your vision is what has you living in mediocrity;
I don't think my son will ever change,
I don't think I will ever get out of debt,
I don't think I will ever heal...my granpa died of heart attack, so did my dad...im destined to die of one too.
sees and hears what the world cannot.
Faith presses on even when there’s no sign or answer
Faith endures even when the evidence is small
Faith sees a breakthrough even when the answer seems weak.
 
 

Daddy Issues - The Power a Father Has to Influence The Lives of His Children

I am blessed with two boys and two grandkids and my ultimate goal in life is to lead them to the Father through the Son. My focus is not that they become popular, wealthy, or attend the best universities, or land a dream job....NO... my only focus is to live a life that will cause them to thirst and hunger after God.
 - your actions speak so loudly that I can’t hear what you say - R. W. Emerson
1 John 3:4 I have no greater joy than to hear that my children walk in truth. (KJV)
Let me for a moment focus on dads, that doesn’t mean that I am underestimating the power of a mother. Women become moms the moment they find out they’re expecting, Men become dads the moment they carry the baby.
-  the power of a dad in a child’s life is unmatched
-  one hug from dad is worth 20 kisses from mom
-  who we are as dads speaks of who our children will become in the future
- your son will become like you
- your daughter will end up marrying someone like you
Men, you have the power to impact your children either for good or for bad, you words bless them or curse them, you have the power to lift them up or tear them down, you can either fill them hope or inundate their minds and hearts with despair
- I have set before you life or death, blessings and curses, choose life that you and your children may live (Deut 30:19)
- as a father you MUST have the mindset that being a father is your most important MINISTRY-
Prov 22:6 Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it. (KJV)
You have such a small window of opportunity to impact their lives and to train them up (a child, not a young teen, not a young adult, a child)
- 0-11 trainer (coach) - 12-18 counselor - 19-rest of their lives advisor
Before you can “train them up” you must connect to their hearts. You can’t lead them by the hand it you haven’t earned their hearts.
- Do you care for me? - Can I trust you? - Can you help me?
Our example as parents can cause our children to draw close to God or simply run away from Him because their hearts are incredulous
Whatever we speak over our children, 80% of the time, will come to fruition. Our words are prophetic.
Avoid telling your child what he will become based on what you see in the natural or based on your own childhood traumas, your fears, failures, hurts, and hang ups.
If you sow seeds of defeat in the hearts of your children don’t expect them to walk in victory
sow seeds of neglect and watch them seek someone else’s attention
Three things kids need from their father
1. Words of Affirmation / Prov 18:21 - the tongue has power of life and death
2. Physical Touch / Luke 5:13 - Jesus reached out his hand and touched the man.
3. Active Love / 1 Peter 4:8 Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.
It’s so much more difficult for a child to develop a relationship with the Heavenly Father when there is no apparent relationship with his earthly father.
- Oftentimes children will use their father’s relationship as a frame of reference through which they see God the Father.
4 ways to parent
Rules - Relationship = Rebellion
Relationship - Rules = Aggression
Absence = Desperation (a state of despair) (not quality over
quantity)
Rules + Relationship = Blessings
Children are like arrows in the hands of a skilled warrior, blessed is the man whose quiver is filled with such arrows - Psalm 127:4-5
~You must first be a disciple before you can become a teacher~
Your kids should see you:
- worship
- pray
- repent
- study the Word
- love their mother
Four Basic Needs of a Son/Daughter
1. Love (1 Cor 8:1 “Love makes us strong”) 2. Security 3. Purpose 4. Acceptance
Heb 12:1 Since we have such a huge crowd of men of faith watching us from the grandstands, let us strip off anything that slows us down or holds us back, and especially those sins that wrap themselves so tightly around our feet and trip us up; and let us run with patience the particular race that God has set before us.
 
 

My TED Talk (Nov 2015) "You Are What You Think"

This is my TED Talk from 2015. It is a portion of my life's testimony and some of the lessons I learned through the process. I hope it blesses you.

The Power Of The Process - Finding Strength and Opportunity In The Midst of Affliction

One of the most difficult things in life is not knowing what to do when you fall, when you fail, when you falter, when you have to face tragedy or affliction.
To know that your life is not over and the game doesn't stop just because you bruised your arm, skinned your knee or, you ran into some roadblocks
People of great faith envision trials, dark valleys and hurts as opportunities and not as setbacks...launchpads to greater things in life.
I love to talk about DAVID because David is a man after God’s own heart.
I love to talk about David BECAUSE God selected David against all odds.
He was the rejected brother in his family, the eighth son of Jesse.
He was not preferred by his father and he was not embraced by his brethren and yet God had a plan for his life.
He was someone that everyone looked over and never thought he would amount to anything.
Most men and women that God uses in a mighty way were born in a place of rejection, they were molded and shaped by affliction for rejection and affliction creates a hunger and a thirst in you to know God in a great and mighty way.
David’s possesses a huge heart... What I have learned is that God will bless those whose hearts are big, deep and vast -
God always blesses those who have unusual capacities in their hearts. If your heart is not ready to encompass greatness
God won’t pour His greatness into a hardened and shallow heart because His greatness will leak out of a shallow heart.
David comes back from the battle looking for comfort and he runs into conflict...Have you ever gone looking for comfort and ran into conflict? If you are not careful you can get to the point where you stop looking for comfort because you get so used to conflict and you dont even expect things to ever get better... He comes home to conflict
They cried until they could cry no longer...The prophet Samuel wrote "David was greatly distressed because the men were talking of stoning him"
Fear tried to creep into David’s mind - THE ENEMY CAME TO HIM WITH LIES
on a daily basis we are presented with multiple opportunities to allow fear to dominate us and that’s all the enemy is looking for...an opportunity to infect your mind with thoughts of doubt, fear and despair -BUT THE BIBLE SAYS: We have not been given the spirit of fear or timidity but of power, love and a sound mind
David is on the brink of giving up, he’s soon to collapse - he’s weary and burdened... not only is he physically afflicted but now he is mentally distraught and to the point of death.
The Bible says: But David encouraged himself in the LORD his God.
Have you ever had to encourage yourself? Your kids didn’t do it Your husband didn’t do it Your wife didn’t do it
BUT DAVID ENCOURAGED HIMSELF!!!!
The number one fear that satan wants to instill in you is that “the promises that God has given you will not come to pass”...
Its in the overcoming of the thing in which we gain promotion
Don't you think for one moment that because you are going through adversity that you are not blessed.
Don't let people try to convince you that you are being afflicted because you are out of God’s will. Jesus was doing the will of the Father and had to face affliction. The Bible says that Job was a faithful servant of the Lord and was afflicted.
When the world sees a curse in your situation you should rise up and see opportunity.
• God will use what the enemy intended for evil and wil turn it around and use it to purify you, grow you and see you mature spiritually.
Stand firm!
you cant be a winner if you haven’t been in a contest
you can’t be a conquerer if you haven’t had to face a conflict
you can’t have the victory if you haven’t been in a fight you can’t have a testimony if you haven’t been thru a test
you can’t have a message if you haven’t been through a mess...
Affliction reveals the true character of an individual.
Affliction drives us closer to God.
Affliction gives our worship to the Lord new meaning.
Affliction gets much worse right before the blessing.
Affliction promotes us to a higher level in our faith.

The boy that saw a dead dog in the mirror Part III - a series on self-worth

WHY do we develop low self-worth?
We develop low self-worth for two reasons:
Due to our childhood traumas and core wounds
To protect ourselves against what we fear
Breaking free from the mental constructs that have held us back from going from point A to point B, from where we are to the place where we would like to see ourselves will require three basic mindsets:
1. Intentionality
2. Discipline
3. Consistency
People oftentimes become excited after listening to a keynote motivational speaker or after watching a motivational video. It causes an individual's biology to shift. It's almost like a new born inner strength that can potentially drive us to do things we never though we could HOWEVER that "emotion" can fizzle out if we don't do anything with it. It only takes 72 hours for the feeling to fade away. It takes INTENTIONALITY, DISCIPLINE, and CONSISTENCY.
The environment that we are exposed to can potentially empower us to greater things or cripple us keeping us from our personal best. Mephibosheth is a perfect example of how a young man that was destined for royalty ended up with a poverty mentality due to the nature of his circumstances.
Such circumstances or experiences lived during our childhood years become cemented in our subconscious mind and so as adults when we are able to identify what those negative mental constructs are it takes breaking up what has solidifies in order to deal with it.
You can defeat what you can't define and you can't change what you are unwilling to confront.
Thought Progression:
Our thoughts become words. 
Our words influence our emotions.
Our emotions influence are decisions.
Our decisions become actions and actions repeated over time become habits.
Our habits form our character and our character leads us to our final destination in life.
Just like the story of the elephant, the captivity that most people are subject to is that of the mind and not the body. People can be physically free and yet mentally bound.
Don't let your past determine your present and dictate your destination.
Steps to follow:
In your time of prayer, pray as David did "search my heart of God and put my thoughts to the test and show me if there is any iniquity within me" and allow God to speak to you in your time of prayer and meditation.
Keep a journal
listen to your monologue / identify self-sabotaging, self-limiting beliefs
Identify the emotion that this belief evokes within you
Identify the polar opposite belief that can potentially empower you to break from the mental captivity
Identify the type of emotion that this new mindset should create with you
And above all...forgive the people that wronged you. Unforgiveness allows that situation or individual to have power over you. Let go, and let God take over!
 
 
  

The boy that saw a dead dog in the mirror Part II - a series on self-worth

I hope you were able to go to the show notes for Part I and ask yourself  if any of the low self-worth descriptors applied to your life. Every once, and a while I will provide you with specific questions to help you reflect on where you stand and to challenge to create a better version of yourself. Listen, you can’t defeat what you can’t define. You can’t change what you are unwilling to confront.
Self-awareness is key. Self-awareness is the conscious knowledge of one's own character, feelings, motives, and desires. Self-awareness requires three questions: what am I doing?, what am I feeling?, and what are my blindspots? As a master life coach I have clients fill out a personal SWOT analysis in order to help them become more self-aware. The personal SWOT analysis is somewhat like x-ray or MRI that helps individuals gain a better understanding of where they stand. It asks four important discovery questions: what are my strengths, what are my weaknesses, what are my opportunities, and what are my threats?
Becoming self-aware takes your life off of auto-pilot and the cyclical monotony that takes you to the same dead end street every time. Self-awareness allows you to shift, adjust, and pivot your life in order to produce a different outcome.
Einstein once said "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results.”
People that repeatedly experience significant rejection by others end up believing that deserve to be rejected. They internalize the message and then reject themselves. This is especially true when the rejection is coming from those who are in authority and that the child depends on.
Such children grow up replying in their minds the recorded messages, the rejections they received until that voice becomes their own internal voice. It is virtually impossible for children to replace the big booming voices of their parents with their own small inner voices.
The words spoken over us by our parents and people in authority in our lives 90% of time become prophetic words that materialize in adulthood unless we are able to override such thoughts with the extreme polar opposite. Otherwise you end up developing self-limiting beliefs. In a nutshell limiting beliefs are those ideas that we have believed about ourselves and that keep us from moving forward.
Henry Ford said “whether you think you can or you think you can’t you are absolutely right” In other words whatever you think about self becomes your reality.
Self-limiting beliefs sound like this:
I can’t
I don’t
I won’t ever
I’m too old
I’m too young
I’m too poor
I’m too fat or too skinny
I am not smart enough
I am a mess, I am hopeless
I don’t have enough time
Money is the root of all evil
One day I will change
I will start tomorrow
I will never be happy
I don’t deserve nice things
I have such bad luck
I can’t change
Why even try, I always fail
3 Steps to change your life:
1) Change your belief system (about yourself)
2) Once your belief system has changed it will consequently produce different behavior
3) Different behavior will produce a different outcome 

The boy that saw a dead dog in the mirror - a series on self-worth

Let me ask you a question for you to reflect on… When you look at yourself in the mirror do you like what you see? On a scale of 1-10, how much do you love yourself?
Let me say this… The issues you are dealing with today in your relationships although you might blame everything on the other person, the truth of the matter is that the issue was deep rooted in you during your most formative years. Just watch your reaction when you are frustrated, upset, or sad. Your tendency is to react like that child you were at the time you were hurt the most. If you suffered some kind of abuse at age 9 well then now as an adult when you experience various negative emotions you have the tendency to act out like 9 year old. You might scream, throw tantrums, isolate yourself, stonewall, spew hateful words, or even become aggressive. Once again these are learned behaviors that you acquired growing up as a child.
Interesting enough, Solomon wrote “ train up a child in the way that he should go so that when he is older he wont depart from it (Prov 22:6). Notice he states train up a child and not an adolescent…a child. You see the mind of a child especially during the first 7 years of life is in its most receptive, pliable, and impressionable state.
Perhaps one of your parents was abusive toward you growing up and now you have engaged in a relationship someone who is equally abusive or even worse. 75% of all people have a tendency to end up in a relationship with someone that is like their worst parent. They seem to gravitate towards abusive people because it has become their normal.
Dr. Lisa Firestone a clinical psychologist once said that we all have a “critical inner voice,” which acts like a cruel coach inside our heads that tells us we are worthless or undeserving of happiness. This coach is shaped from painful childhood experiences and critical attitudes we were exposed to early in life as well as feelings our parents had about themselves. While these attitudes can be hurtful, over time, they have become engrained in us. As adults, we may fail to see them as an enemy, instead accepting their destructive point of view as our own.
Self-worth is believing that you’re fundamentally worthy which is different to self-esteem because self-esteem is feeling good, or confident, about yourself.
Without self-worth, self-esteem is shallow and unstable. 
Can you have self-esteem without self-worth? Yes. Just look at narcissists. They exude self-esteem (or self-confidence) so much so that it’s toxic to other people. But the issue here is that they don’t possess self-worth. Their narcissism is a mask or defense mechanism against the tremendous feelings of unworthiness that they carry inside. (In psychology, this is called reaction-formation.)
So, you see, self-worth is something we need to learn and strengthen, for without it, we become like doormats or narcissists.
So you might be asking yourself at this point if you have self-worth issues. Well see if any of the following descriptors sound like you:
You struggle to set strong personal boundaries
You suffer from constant self-doubt
You’re cynical about the value of what you do
You struggle to believe that anyone could really love you
You can’t accept compliments without feeling embarrassed/skeptical
You always put other’s needs above your own (i.e., you have a martyr complex)
You settle for less in relationships and jobs thinking it’s ‘the best you can do’
You value other people’s opinions above your own
You always feel a sense of anxiety and tension around others
You are scared of sharing your authentic self with the world
You let others walk over or mistreat you
Do you feel like a victim or behave like a beggar
You struggle to speak up and be assertive about your needs
We develop low self-worth for two reasons:
Due to our childhood traumas and core wounds
To protect ourselves against what we fear
In a nutshell, low self-worth is a product of fear and a fundamental misunderstanding about who we are.
The mindset that we have regarding our worth has been engrained in us through repetition. Just like my client whose father repeatedly told her she was a worthless. And therefore through repetition we must recreate who we truly are. As a believer I teach others to remind themselves consistently of who they are in the Lord. I have them make a list of those words that resonate with them.
I am a child of God, fearfully and wonderfully made, I am His righteousness, His masterpiece. I am an heir and joint heir with Christ. He knows the plans that He has for me, they’re for good and not for evil, they’re to give me a hope and a future. He will never leave me nor forsake for He loves me with an everlasting love. I am His and He is mine.
Such heart felt affirmations have the power to bring forth true transformation.
The first step to breaking free from low self-worth is being able to identify whether or not this is your struggle. Go to the show notes and review the low self-worth descriptors and evaluate yourself. Be honest. Keep in mind that you can only work with a truth and not with a lie.

Guard Your Heart - Part III

If you have listened to part I and II you should have a pretty clear understanding of what boundaries look like and why they are important to have in your life. Boundaries will, in essence,  help you gain control. Steven Covey, the author of the 7 habits of highly effective people, once said that we must always start with the end in mind and so if the end goal is to gain control of your life then it's crucial you start by setting boundaries.
Now let me be clear, you are not trying to gain control of other people, your circumstance, or even your outcomes. Those things will fall into their proper place as long as you are willing to gain control over yourself. See the issue is that most people get caught up in trying to gain control over the things that they can’t control and in doing so end up losing control over themselves. Now here is the true paradox: it’s only when you take control of yourself that you will begin to have significant influence on the other things meaning people, circumstances, and outcomes.
People with effective boundaries have ownership of their feelings, thoughts, choices, desires, opinions, behaviors - in a nutshell they have ownership over their hearts, minds and souls.They don’t give that right away to anyone because they understand how detrimental it can become for them morally, spiritually, physically, mentally, and even sexually. No one can snatch that ownership away from you unless you position yourself to give it away.
This is what healthy boundaries sound like:
“I am not okay with you yelling at me. I will discuss this when we can speak to one another calmly and respectfully.”
“I can’t work overtime this weekend. Since I wasn’t on the schedule, I already made plans.”
“I can give you a ride home, but I absolutely need to leave by seven. If you’re any later than that I’m going to have to leave without you.” “Your friend has a drug problem, and I’m not comfortable being around him. Please don’t invite him over to our house again.”
“I’ve been doing much more than my fair share of the chores. From now on, I’m only washing my own dishes. I’ll expect you to wash your own.”
Your boundaries are defined by your vision and your values. Your vision is your direction. Your end goal. The destination you want to arrive at. Solomon penned “people without a vision, perish” In other words if you have no definite destination in your life you will end up like the Israelites, walking around the desert in circles while perishing in the process. Ultimately boundaries express how much you value you, how much you care for you, and how much you love you. In other words the lack of boundaries is a true sign of a lack of self-esteem.
The holes in your fence could be due to:
The need for security
The need for approval
The need to be perfect
The need to rescue
The fear of being alone or isolated
The fear of conflict
The fear of disagreement
The fear of anger
The fear of feeling inferior
The inability to say no
The inability to hear no
The lack of structure
Boundary Blueprint - 
Know your most important values - Knowing your values is the first step for setting boundaries because they help determine what you are not willing to compromise on. When you have people in your space that don’t align with or respect what you value, you can get caught up in managing that drama instead of on what’s best for you.
Use your values to determine your boundaries - ask yourself what you will and won’t allow. Whatever your values are, converting them into boundaries gives you a basis for setting boundaries in relationships, setting boundaries at work, or anywhere else.
Self-awareness - find time to reflect and ask yourself in which areas of your life you are feeling the most threatened, exhausted, abused, taken advantage of, and ultimately hurt
Set your boundaries - communicate them assertively, be clear, keep it simple don’t feel the need to justify them 
Keep your boundaries - have someone hold you accountable, keep a clear list of your boundaries in other words write them down so that you can revisit, re-evaluate, and ultimately continue rehearsing them otherwise they may be easily forgotten.
Figure out where you will compromise and where you won’t - flexibility is the key to excellence and you will find times to major on the majors and not on the minors. Adjust your expectation as long as it doesn’t create an opportunity for you to be hurt.